Thanksgiving: that wonderful season of the year when it is safe to wear stretch jeans and fake knowing how to cut a turkey and argue about cranberry sauce as though it were a moral question.
However, with the food coma, ornamental pumpkins, and the suspiciously lumpy gravy, there is something more that transpires at the Thanksgiving table, something that can even mend the mind. Nay, it is not the pie (but with pie you say, it helps). It's gratitude.
Now, before you dismiss your eyes and reason, Oh great, it is another just be grateful pep talk, wait with me. It is not about trying to make oneself grateful to all that has happened to him/her, including the unsolicited life tips offered by Aunt Linda. It is about learning how gratitude, when done in actual and sincere forms, can reset our brains, make our nerves relax, and help us reconnect with what truly matters, even when our lives are a tangled mess.
Actually, scholars have demonstrated that gratitude is a tangible psychological phenomenon that truly goes on in the brain when practiced regularly, as opposed to the fact that a person has just found a quotation about gratitude on their Instagram feed. The dopamine and serotonin systems of the brain, on which antidepressants work, are the same signaling chemicals used in gratitude. In a less technical way of saying: In the process of being thankful, you are literally taking your brain to the spa. Based on research conducted at the University of California, those with gratitude journals sleep well, have a stronger immune system, and claim to be happier. So, no -- it's not just fluff. Appreciation is scientifically disguised gratitude.
It would be true to say that not all Thanksgivings are thankful. Perhaps you are missing somebody, or life is too serious. Perhaps your family dinner is not as much of a Hallmark film but more of a reality show with a hint of a Hallmark film called Survivor: The Dining Room edition.
I also had years of the same kind before, when gratitude was a foreign concept, something that belonged to those people who already knew how to do it right. However, the point is that here, thankfulness does not mean that nothing is wrong. It is about seeing that something is good when nothing is.
It is the little, rebellious gesture of making the statement, "Well, maybe it was a tough day, but at least I liked my coffee. My dog was at least looking at me as though I had hung the moon.
Such a minor twist can make a manic day manageable.
Gratefulness does not imply the rejection of pain. It is not about being forced to say that everything is happening for a reason, when you really need to say that everything is happening for a reason, and I would like to speak to the manager of this reason, please.
Real appreciation enables both of them to co-exist; the good and the tough. You may be grateful and lamenting. You can love your family and require a reprieve with them. You are happy and tired at the same time.
It has room between truths - because mental health is not about perfection, but about permission.
A Little Personal Confession.
I was not in a zen state of mind last Thanksgiving. My mashed potatoes lumped, my cousin brought his new vegan experiment (raw) to the table (I tried to be open-minded, and kale and cranberries were not sulphuric couples), and somebody mentioned politics. You know how that goes.
I even went to the extent of running to the kitchen to get some air. And there, by a heap of unwashed crockery, was I laughing, not that it was funny, but because it was so human.
At that point, I began to enumerate in my mind little things I was thankful about, the smell of pie, the laughter in the neighboring room, the fact that no one had burnt anything (yet). That gratuity reset did not solve all the issues, but it did make me feel a little less annoyed, and made me remember why I was there in the first place: connection.
The healing process does not always come with a bang; in between dishes and dessert, it will creep in and settle down.
The greatest error we commit is that we do not approach gratitude as a daily mental tune-up but as an event once a year.
The following are some easy examples of how to inject gratitude in your life (without feeling like you are a motivational speaker):
Gratitude Jar: Every day, write one thing you are grateful for in a sticky note - whether it is the fact that you found parking or your friend sent you a meme at the right time. Read them at year's end.
Text Thank-Yous: Message someone thank-you at least once a week - about something minor that he/she did or something that he/she is doing by being the person they are. You will be amazed by the amount of warmth that disseminates (and how pleasant it is).
The Three-Breath Pause: At a time when you feel overwhelmed, breathe three times with an appreciation of three things you like at that moment, even if it is this chair, my tea, or the fact that no one is talking to me at this moment.
Gratitude with Humor: Be glad about the comedic stuff -- your cat's dramatic zoomies, the fact that your hair is not cooperative yet somehow works, or that you have a superpower capacity to reheat leftovers like you know how.
Laughter and gratitude are the two things that can turn your whole day upside down.
The last time you ever said to anybody, hey, I really appreciate you?
We always assume that people know but saying it out loud makes wonders. Appreciation creates relationship, faith, and safety. It softens tension. It is even able to mend tattered relationships.
According to a study by the University of Georgia, it was discovered that couples who express gratitude frequently state that they feel more satisfied with the relationship, even in conflict. Why? Due to the feeling of being noticed, gratitude makes people feel seen.
Thanksgiving, then do it: thank your mom that she has put up with you, your friend who you can always listen to, or your partner who you can always be indecisive about what to watch on Netflix. Thanks not only gives life to the soul but also the us.
Thanksgiving is not a holiday everybody is excited about. To a great number of people, it may reflect loneliness, loss, or deprivation of a person they love. If that's you -- I see you. And I swear, your emotions are justified.
In case the holidays are heavy, do the following: do not pay much attention to big expectations, but concentrate on gentle care. Make something tiny that will put you in a good mood, call your friend and treat them like they are home, or spend the day doing whatever makes you feel full.
The thankfulness in such difficult moments is not all about feigning that everything is fine. It is about being able to realize, I am still alive. I'm still breathing. And even here in the midst of this, there is something-- however slight-- worth observing.
It is the courage of gratitude sometimes.
When the turkey is dead and the dishes put away, and the pie just vanishes somewhere during the night (not my look), there is only the feeling left. The warmth. The silent knowledge that life, with all its disorder, contains little good things.
Thankfulness does not pertain to a feeling alone; it is a way of thinking. It teaches us to see beauty in the mundane, hope in the bad days, and humor in the messiness (a real-life story about the gravy bursting in the microwave).
What I want to say this Thanksgiving, as everyone gets around the table and says what they are thankful about, we should skip the family and health saying at least once and should say something that people laugh at, like I am thankful the Wi-Fi has not crashed like every time we do a family Zoom call or I am thankful no one talked about my dating life this year.
And when the laughter is over, deep breath and think of it:
Gratitude does not mean having everything, but seeing all that you possess.
Thanksgiving is the best opportunity to take a moment, appreciate, and reestablish, not only with others, but also with ourselves. Thankfulness does not remove our issues, but it reconfigures our attitude towards them.
Whatever you stuff your face with this Thanksgiving: no matter how noisy your family dinner is, how intimate your solo dinner, or how throw-back your pizza night with friends is, take a minute, however small, to be thankful. Not that you ought to, but because in its genuine manner, the gratitude makes its insidious way of transforming the common place into the curative.
And who knows? Perhaps in one year, your mashed potatoes will even be lump-free.
