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It begins by a mere no.
Perhaps, you have told me that it is time to switch the TV off. Perhaps you made the toast in shapes of triangles when they wanted it in the shape of a square. Or perhaps, due to some reason, unknown to the universe, their blue socks, which they like best are in the laundry.
The atmosphere in the room is suddenly changed. The whimpering is transformed into a scream. The scream turns into a storm. They are lying on the floor, with flailing limbs and a face all a rich crimson. You’ve tried explaining. You have made an attempt to be patient. You have had a go at counting to three. But as the sound grows larger you know that old fire of your own heart growing.
You feel overwhelmed. With embarrassment, you are humiliated when you are in the company. But you feel helpless most of all. You ask yourself, why is my child tormenting me to this extent? Whence was I in the wrong?
Suppose this scene had occurred in your house, I would like you to take a deep breath. You are not a bad parent, nor have you a bad child. What you end up with is a child who has not yet mastered the hardest skill of all in human beings; Emotional Regulation.
In a case where our children implode, we have the survival instincts. There are three reactions that we are frequently engaged in:
We believe that screaming will help us to be more powerful and to overcome the noise.
You will not have a dinner, you will not have any dessert in a week!
We give in the iPad or the candy so the crying can be stopped even though we realize that this is a temporary solution.
Once the storm is over, we are faced with a huge guilty conscience. We consider ourselves to have been unsuccessful. We are irritated by the fact that our child appears to be so defiant.
Nevertheless, this is the first thing that you must hear, It is natural to feel so. The emotional dysregulation of a child is a tiring job to a parent. It works the nerves in your system like no other thing can. What we do not require to break the cycle is more discipline it is an overhaul of the whole frame of what is going on.
This is the point of revelation that takes place here: A meltdown is not misbehaviour. It is the inability to be skillful.
The option of misbehaviour is a choice. The state of being in a meltdown is a biological state. Your child is not out to manipulate you when he/ she is in the middle of a tantrum. They do not even want to win. There is an internal failure of the system they are having.
Your child is not picking on you. It is a difficult time among them.
As soon as we interpret a meltdown as an appeal to assistance, but not to our position, our heart is warmed up. We change our status as an opponent to that of a coach.
Children are supposed to behave but the behavior is only the end product. The process of emotion regulation is the driving force behind said behavior.
The emotional regulation is the capability to:
Identify a feeling: (I am frustrated).
Go on to control the strength of that feeling.
Control the bodily response to that emotion.
To a calm state, go.
This is a complicated mental ability. It is the involvement of the prefrontal cortex of the brain or the logic, impulse control and planning part of the brain. The thing is that it is not the part of the brain that is completely developed till the middle of twenties. A five-year-old (or even a fifteen-year-old) is not supposed to be calm all the time just like a person cannot play the concerto on the piano when he or she has not even learned the scales. It is not a gift, as they are born with it and it is something that should be taught.
You must know the Brain House in order to cope with a meltdown.
Suppose that there are two floors of the brain. It is our prefrontal cortex that we do our thinking, problem-solving, and empathy (the Upstairs Brain). Our great passions and survival instincts reside in the Downstairs Brain (the limbic system and amygdala).
The stairs between the two floors are severed in a melt down. Downstairs Brain comes in, and rings the fire alarm. The Brain of the thinker switches off completely.
Thus it is impossible to teach during a meltdown. You may be as full of logic and brilliant explanation as you can, but you can literally hear your child. Their mind is in the survival mode. They are wrestling, running away or freezing. Their only task at that point is to make them feel safe enough to return to the stairs.
When the child is losing his emotions, we tend to give the child a brick rather than a life jacket.
Expecting Logic, Why are you crying? It is nothing but a snapper-oncracker! (Note: the Thinking Brain is not connected to the Internet). They are not able to think why at this point of time.)
To their nervous system, it is a big thing; hence, dismissing the Feeling: It is not a big deal. Any rejection causes them to feel invisible thus escalating the panic.)
Punishing the Expression: sending a child to the Time out because he cries or screams sends the message: I only want to be around when he is happy. This further makes them feel isolated and dysregulated.
We should have a glimpse of what is really happening during those times that push us to the extreme.
Scene: Your child throws his or her pencil, tears the paper and screams, I am not doing this! It's stupid!"
What we perceive: Dealiance and indolence.
The Reality: The child is feeling overloaded and incompetent. Their Downstairs Brain is informing them that they are not as smart as they think and the ripped paper is an act of flight to not feel like a loser.
Scene: You are in a store, they are in need of a toy. You say no. They scream and fall on the ground.
What we observe: A naughty child who is attempting to humiliate us.
The Reality: The child is over stimulated by lights and noise in the store. The no was merely the straw that broke the prostrate nervous system.
Scene: A physical fight in the presence of a toy.
What we perceive: Aggression.
The Reality: The inability to control impulses and inability to work at the social complex mathematical game of sharing.
What is the actual way of teaching this skill? Our process is referred to as Co-Regulation. In order to be an effective leader, you have to first control yourself.
You can never resolve a storm when you are a storm. When you are screaming at your child to shut up, you are training your child that when stressed out you should scream as it is the only way to handle the stress.
Tool: Breathe three times deeply. Remind yourself: This is not an emergency I am the adult.
You have to first deal with the feeling (the hitting or the screaming) before you deal with the behavior.
Tool: Meet them on their level. Use a soft voice. Say, I see you. You are in a very difficult stature you know. I am just here.
Stay present. This may be a hug at times; sometimes it may be sitting beside silently. You are borrowing them your cool nervous system.
Tool: Distinguish between Time-In and Time-Out. Wait with them, they will get their fire in their brain to cool down.
It is not until the "Thinking Brain" comes back online (usually 20-30 minutes after the melt down) that you can discuss what has occurred.
Tool: You were so angry before you threw your pencil. This makes me know that the math was not easy. The next time, what should you say to me that you are in need of help without throwing things?
Children must be provided with instruments to deal with their inner climate:
Naming the Feeling: Name it to tame it. The activation in the amygdala can be brought down by merely mentioning that I feel mad.
• The Calm-Down Corner: This is a comfortable place with pillows, books, or fidgets, not a punishment place, but a place to help the child feel their senses and regulate them.
Breathing Exercises: This one is to learn: Pizza Breath (smell the pizza) and blow on it to cool it down" when they are not upset so that they can use it when they are upset.
Visual Cues: To enable them indicate how they feel when words are too hard they can use visual aids like "Feeling Charts" to indicate their feelings on a chart.
Emotional regulation is not taught once and that is it. It is a tedious progressive process of developing neural circuits.
This will be days when you will lose your cool. At times they will have three breakdowns before breakfast. That is not to say that the process is not working. It refers to the fact that they are training.
You are not bringing up a level-headed child. You are training a child on how to be calm.
Such a difference is crucial. A kid who is consistently calm could be simply repressing him/herself. A child who gets to know how to manoeuvre through a storm and come back to the shore is a child who is resilience building.
It is through behavior that emotions are expressed. Feel like you do not like the behavior, find the emotion underlying the behavior.
•Connection builds regulation. When a child feels safe, he or she can learn to remain calm.
Children borrow quietness on the part of adults. By giving them the anchor, they will know how to remain stable after a time.
You do not have to be an ideal parent. Actually, the ideal parents do not teach resiliency since the children are not shown how to deal with a failure.
You must be an all-time parent.
When it comes to the blue socks and you are in the laundry and the world is coming to your kitchen floor, do not forget: it is not a failure. It’s a classroom. It is a chance to demonstrate to your child that you can manage his/her biggest and scariest emotions- and that one day they will be able to do it as well.
Each breakdown is an opportunity to say, I can see you, I love you and we will work all this out. And that is what the actual management starts.
